Alcohols are Never Good for Your Body
by Anpan Roller
Summary: Tsuna should have never allowed the consumption of alcohols at the party. Now he has to face the harsh realities of life. Multiple pairings; Bad words courtesy of Xanxus and Yamamoto, or Squalo and Gokudera, however you see it.


**A/N: **Sorry Miria, I tried. I really tried. _*performs seppuku*_

(On the bright side I was revising for my English essay? :D)

Yup, so I bring you guys the extremely confusing fic of cross-body! And to avoid confusion, the characters will be referred to the bodies they are in! I'm sure you guys can figure out who's in whose bodies by yourselves! And I apologise for the OOC-ness! And why am I shouting, I don't know either! :D

Enjoy!

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Tsuna knew allowing alcohols at the Vongola party yesterday night was a bad idea. It's either him, or Yamamoto and Gokudera were extremely peculiar today. How should he put it, they seem to be... very out of character.

Gokudera flung his arm around his boss's shoulder, and greeted casually, "Yo Tsuna! Did you sleep well last night?" Hearing the word 'Tsuna' from Gokudera was odd enough as it was, not to mention having the bomber put an arm around him.

"Ah, not really, the bed was really old and stuff..." Tsuna replied, smiling to try to sound as normal as possible. It was weird, having Gokudera lean in so close. He could tell he was trying his best to grip with as much non-existant strength as he could, although it was only a passable strong grip.

Suddenly Yamamoto marched forward and wrenched the arm off Tsuna, an abnormal scowl plastered on his face. "Get the fuck off Jyuudaime you idiot! Where's your sense of respect?!"

Tsuna knew Yamamoto's vocabulary consisted of nothing more than single- or the occasional two- or three-syllable words, but he didn't recall his language being so... colourful.

Tsuna pondered with his limited intelligence. Must be the alcohol.

Before he could utter a reply to try to calm down the peculiarly agitated Rain Guardian, Gokudera laughed. He _laughed_. Rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, Gokudera replied, "Maa, maa! It's just a friendly hug!"

The eyebrows interlocked in a clumsy manner, having clearly no experience of being interlocked before, on Yamamoto's face. He stuck his finger in front of the Italian's face in vexation, yelling, "Jyuudaime's not just some 'friend' you doofus! Jyuudaime's... _Jyuudaime_!"

It was odd, having Yamamoto idolising him. He meant, he was pleased and all, being liked by his best friends and all that, but his stomach still felt a little uneasy at the fact that two men were arguing over him.

It was almost like boy love.

While the Japanese teen was busy trying to reach into his pockets for his acclaimed dynamites only to realise that he didn't have the dynamites, and Gokudera was preoccupied with laughing some more--and still creeping Tsuna out-- the tenth Vongola decided to say something to smoothen things out. "Sa! How was last night for the both of you?" He asked, almost shouted to get himself heard between the ruckus.

Gokudera, in the middle of having his shirt being fisted by the still-enraged Yamamoto and being heaved in, faced Tsuna and smiled, "Ah, it was wonderful! Last night was the happiest night of my life! Hahaha!"

Yamamoto's face was suddenly flushed pink. Yamamoto's blushing? Tsuna blinked. Now he's red as an apple. Tsuna rubbed his eyes. Yamamoto's head exploded.

He made a mental note to visit the optician soon.

"Sh-Shut up!" Yamamoto yelled, but his voice cracked, which made him sound like he's shrieking instead, "It was the fucking beer! I told you I'm not a good drinker damn it!" He then proceeded to try to sink his knuckles into Gokudera's face, who promptly dodged with his sudden good reflexes.

On the contrary, Tsuna distinctly remembered Yamamoto downing double-digits of mugs of beer yesterday, and not once did he whip out his underpants and wear it on his head, like the other drunk and shameless guardians.

While Gokudera was--still--busy chuckling away, Yamamoto whipped his head around to face Tsuna, an anxious expression on his face. "Jyuudaime! Please, please don't put this idiot in the same room with me again!" He requested, almost begged.

Tsuna forced a nervous laughter, incapable of constructing any logical sentences with all the jumbled thoughts floating in his head. He doubted his comprehension of the word 'idiot', wondering if he had been wrong for the past 14 years of his life.

"W-Why? What happened to the both of you yesterday?" Tsuna, finally having had his nonplussed thoughts settled down, enquired.

Gokudera, wiping blood from a bleeding nose, chuckled and answered with a mild tint of bashfulness, "Hahaha! It's kind of intense yesterday night, so there's lots of details, but I'll try to summari- MMPH!"

Yamamoto had ferociously pounced onto the smaller teen, slamming him down onto the floor and slapping his hand onto his mouth. Yamamoto looked up, and flashed a grin as if nothing had happened, "Nothing had happened, Jyuudaime!"

Tsuna blinked. Intense? Details? So that explained the moans erupting from the next room at night. Even Tsuna could comprehend those muffled and restraint--albeit failed--cries of "Yeah well I'll laugh if you choked!" and "I'm coming!" It worried Tsuna to no end, mainly because those were his two best friends whom he cares for. This has got to stop.

"Please!" Tsuna announced. "Please you two. Stop fighting over the leftover takoyaki at night! It's disturbing the others who want to sleep!"

Yamamoto and Gokudera shot Tsuna a blank look at the same time. There was a brief pause, before Gokudera's unsettling sniggers broke the silence, "Hehheh... Yup, that was some tako balls." Tsuna caught the sly glance meant for Yamamoto.

Red stained Yamamoto's face again, as he raised his fist preparing for another firm punch, when Tsuna decided he had seen enough of these internal conflicts and buried his distressed face in his hands.

"Haven't you figured out until now, Dame Tsuna?" Lambo's voice travelled into his ears in an oddly discriminating tone, something that only a specific infant tutor carried.

"L-Lambo? You've woken up?" Tsuna exclaimed. From what he could gather if his memories hadn't failed him, Lambo was incapable of speaking, his only ability was to shriek. "And don't call me that! That's rude!"

Lambo only tutted and shake his head like an old man, before answering, "Dame Tsuna is going to need more training if this goes on."

"Huh? What have I done this time?! And stop trying to act like Reborn it's creeping me out!" Tsuna yelled at the child.

Speak of the devil, Reborn ambled drunkenly into the corridor. And started brawling. "Waaah~! Lambo-san's afro! I-It's goooonnnnne!!"

Tsuna held a look of deep puzzlement on his face at the Arcobaleno breaking down in front of him, who had somehow disappeared in the middle of the night when he was sleeping with him. Yamamoto and Gokudera ceased their scuffle and paused to look as well.

"R-Reborn?!"

All of a sudden Yamamoto zipped out from behind Tsuna, and wrestled Reborn to the ground, grabbing his tiny leg and heaving it up such that the infant was being held upside down, which made Reborn wail even louder. "Stop crying you stupid! You're disturbing Jyuudaime! Oi! Did you hear me?!"

Of course, it was impossible to hear Yamamoto when Reborn's cries practically flooded their audible senses. Concluding that the most sensible person in the corridor at the moment to consult was, unfortunately, Lambo, Tsuna asked eagerly, "What happened, Lambo?"

Lambo replied as-a-matter-of-factly, "We woke up this morning and found that we have switched bodies."

Tsuna's pupils dilated. "S-Switched bodies?!?!" Great, now his ears are having problems.

"That's right."

"Th-Then you're Reborn?"

Lambo smirked. "You've finally got it, Tsuna."

"A-And Lambo's Reborn?! And Reborn's Lambo?? And Gokudera's Yamamoto? A-And Yamamoto's Gokudera?! And I'm... still me?!" He pinched himself to make sure, and only realised after that that the test was used in the wrong context.

Lambo turned to face the fracas, where Yamamoto was still furiously shaking the now-angry Reborn, who threatened to use his Ten Year Bazooka only to find that his afro still hasn't returned, and Gokudera who was still laughing like an--is it a suitable word?--idiot. "I have a theory up my mind already, although it's still a hypothesis."

"Wh-What is it then?" Tsuna probed, half squatting to match the afro's height.

"Sex."

"HIIIIIII!!!!!" Tsuna screamed, hands cupping his face instinctively. "S-S-S-Se-...?!?! Th-The thing people m-make babies with?!" He stammered. He cast a glance at the scene as well, where everybody had dropped whatever they were doing--and that includes Reborn--to look at the abrupt exclamation.

"Go-Gokudera-kun and Yama-Yamamoto?! Two _guys_?" Tsuna seemed to have been addicted to squealing all of a sudden. "And y-you and Lambo... c_hildren_?!?!"

Yamamoto apologised, "Sorry, Jyuudaime..."

Lambo shook his head and tutted again, although he looked detestably snobbish with that face. "We woke up this morning to find out we're in the wrong bodies too. And the Ten Year Bazooka was lying by the bed. What else do you think happened?"

Tsuna had a hard time relieving his anxious shrieks to pause and ponder. "A-Adult Lambo and Adult Re-Reborn?!" Even though this was a relatively great relief, it's still an unpleasant thought.

"Don't worry. I'm grossed out by that too. I'm still trying to soothe my traumatised little heart now. It was painful." Lambo announced.

"St-Stop reading my thoughts! And you don't look pained at all!" Tsuna screamed at the child, who still stared at him with unemotional eyes.

"VOOOOOIIII!!! What's with all the noise early in the morning?! I still want to fucking sleep!" a rough voice that was obviously not accustomed to this battle cry interrupted them. Xanxus stepped into the corridor, with Squalo trailing beside him.

Tsuna greeted, albeit still shaken, "X-Xanxus, Squalo!"

Squalo scoffed in a collectedly angered--however oxymoron-ish that sounds--aura, "Shut up, all you trash. You disturbed my sleep."

Tsuna's lips twitched. Xanxus... and Squalo? S-S-Se-...? This was getting disturbing.

"VOOOII! You shut the hell up you hear me?!" Xanxus roared, and pointed at who he thought was Yamamoto. The thought-Yamamoto scowled, upset, and tried to bite his fingers.

"Who gave you the right to tell me to shut up, you asshole!" The raven-haired spat, before yanking the skinnier teen beside him over and reaching into his shirt--much to the discomfort of Tsuna's heterosexual eyes--to fish out an obscene number of dynamites.

Before any further accident could take place, Mukuro's oddly murderous voice travelled into the crowded corridor. "No fighting on mansion grounds. I'll bite you to death."

Tsuna gulped, understanding full well the situation this time, when the familiar line came from another mouth. Mukuro and Hibari emerged from the shadows, and shockingly, with Dino following closely behind.

Tsuna remembered coming across the word 'threesome' on the net when his pop-up blocker malfunctioned.

Hibari's eyes creased as he smiled, and waved amiably at the crowd, "Good morning, Tsun-" He tripped over his shoelace and landed flat on the floor, which earned at decent scolding from Mukuro.

Hibari... and Mukuro... and Dino... Tsuna's world was getting torn apart.

Suddenly he heard a new voice which had somehow sneaked in without him noticing. "Bel-san, can you stop putting knives into my back." Princely words requested in a monotonous voice.

"Ushishishishi..." The blonde in a frog costume chuckled, as he brandished even more of his scalpels from the Varia Storm Guardian's jeans.

"VOOOII!! You two too?!" Xanxus demanded.

Gokudera laughed. "Hahaha! Just wondering, did you guys have the costume on the entire time? Because it looks very worn out and stuff."

Fran tittered again, "Ushishishi... That's the only thing he's good for anyway."

Lambo, having noticed the Vongola's statutory face, leapt onto his shoulders and offered words of consolation, "It's all part of growing up, Tsuna. Of course, they said being in the mafia makes you grow up faster."

Tsuna pulled on a face of deep anguish, lamenting, "Sonnnnnna~!!!" Having barely accepted the depressing pieces of news early on a beautiful morning with birds and bees outside--and figuratively, inside--made up his mind to take note of the others who weren't here yet, to prepare himself from more disturbing news...

Just then, Lussuria and Levi, with Mammon on his broad shoulder, stepped out of their room to greet the gang.

...Like this.

Everybody held their breaths with a foreboding sense of horror. They almost died when Lussuria parted his mouth to speak, "Good morning everyone~ Miss me?"

All the guardians heaved a heavy sigh of relief, as if there had finally been world peace and Byakuran decided that the only thing worthy of attacking was his marshmallows instead. It seemed that Varia's Arcobaleno and the big-sized man were still themselves, the only piece of news Tsuna found solace in all day. He continued with listing whoever's still not here, while Lussuria preoccupied himself with flirting atrociously with all the men again.

Ryohei. Tsuna vaguely remembered assigning Ryohei as the roommate of-

He gulped.

That's disturbing. That's _extremely_ disturbing. That's _extremely_ disturbing _to the extreme_.

Dino opened his mouth to say something, and threw his arms up, "DON'T BE EXTREMELY SAD EARLY IN THE MORNING, TSUNA!! LET'S GO FOR AN EXTREME MANLY TRAINING, WHADDYA SAY??"

Tsuna dreaded, just amazingly dreaded with a passion, hearing the next voice that entered the already confusing mess of a situation, when the said brother arrived.

"Kufufu... Everybody's up really early in the morning."

Alcohols are strictly banned and forbidden and never spoken of in the Vongola mansion from then on.

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**A/N: **Ehheh. Sorry for the weird foursome. LussxRyohei is just too disturbing for me, and since 3318 pairing exists, might as well put it to good use here. (God knows how they did it, but Mukuro told me, everybody's the seme. And he laughed and walked away.)

And btw, Yamamoto liking takoyaki is something my friend and I have been formulating on recently. Since Gokudera's octopus hair and balls are well, _balls_. Gah I'm turning sick and corrupted.

This is something I have been planning on writing for quite some time now, and it feels good to finally let it out. So, thanks for reading, and I hope you guys like it! :D And if possible, leave a review too to make Hibari feel that his sacrifice in this fic was worthwhile... sorta! XD

I'm so going to flunk my exams and ruin my life. ;_;


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